I am a world-class procrastinator. One of the things I do is let my junk mail and flyers pile up, and then clean them up all at once.
This week, I got two separate glossy flyers from fitness clubs in my neighbourhood. Their advertised rates and alleged range of services offered leave me wondering how they stay in business.
Fitness Club A is offering a rate of $2 per week for their first 100 new members – with, apparently, no hidden fees and no long-term obligations. The first 50 new members get a free gym bag, even – of course, the free bag has their logo written on it in very large letters, but that’s to be expected. The brochure features lots of pictures of what presumably is their club, or perhaps one of the other clubs in their chain, and it’s kind of startling: row upon row of gleaming new machines, which are only too eager to remove those unsightly pounds and bulges from our bodies. And their “fitness system” offers:
- Body Composition Analysis (mine is probably mostly water, gristle, and assorted inert elements)
- Fitness Assessment
- Fitness Goal Setting
- Exercise Program
- Workout Orientation
- Nutrition and Weight Management (“Put that pizza down! Now!”)
There’s also “unlimited group fitness”, including Power Abs. (Hurray for power abs! They helped win the war!)
But there is a catch. The fine print at the bottom of the brochure, written in gray in a very very small point size on a black background, tells me that the $2 per week only applies if I sign up for a prepaid two-month membership. And they reserve the right to substitute a gift of “equal or greater value” for the gym bag. Hmph. Overall, Fitness Club A might not be a bad deal, if the number of machines in the actual fitness club actually comes close to the number of machines in the brochure, but I don’t like brochures with very small and hard-to-read print in them.
So, it’s on to the flyer for Fitness Club B. Like Club A, they offer a free but logo-drenched gym bag to the first 50 new members. They don’t advertise their prices, but claim that they will offer a lower rate than that of any other fitness club – provided, of course, you join the other fitness club first.
Fitness Club B offers (all capitalization theirs):
- Latest Cardio Equipment with Personal Screen TV’s
- Cutting-Edge Free-Weight and Resistance Machines
- New Private Group Exercise Studio
- New Men’s Changeroom with Luxurious Showers (Was the women’s room already luxurious? Or are women denied the gender-based privilege of shower luxury?)
- Certified Personal Trainers
- Tae Kwon Do featuring Toronto’s Gold Medal and Trophy Winners Master Trainers
- Tae Kickboxing
- On-site Child Care
- Massage
- Free Parking
They also offer a 6 week fitness boot camp, which frightens me.
The brochure for Fitness Club B features smaller pictures of rows and rows of exercise machines, plus photos of happy kids in child care, smiling personal trainers, and a woman getting a massage. The only sign that all is not well in the world of Fitness Club B is that the club is under new management, according to the brochure. I can’t help but think that the club can’t be in great shape if the previous management bailed on it.
So I won’t be joining Fitness Club A or Fitness Club B, alas. If I want to go for a workout, I might just hit the local community rec centre – the one at Eglinton west of Yonge has a weight room and a running track, and I don’t have to commit to a membership to use them.
By the way, my pile of flyers also included discount coupons for McDonald’s, which would kind of undo all the hard work put in at Fitness Club A or Fitness Club B.
Posted by davetill 